By Order of the Committee for Mandatory Fun
Happy
4th of July
One nation, under a grill, with sparklers and questionable fireworks for all. Attendance is technically voluntary and absolutely expected.
Convened & Catered by Sofia Lipkevych
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Uncle Sam's
Famous Hot Dogs
"As American as Conscription"
A frank for every free man. Contents 100% patriotic and at least 40% meat. Casing salutes when grilled.
Mandatory enjoyment. Ingredients are a matter of national security and will not be disclosed. Mustard is your civic duty.
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Liberty Cola
The Freedom You Can Taste®
Now with 12% more eagle. Effervescent, emboldening, and faintly electrical. Refreshes the body and the founding principles alike.
May cause spontaneous oaths. Tingling is normal and considered spiritually beneficial. Liberty Cola is not responsible for opinions formed while drinking it.
Office of Festive Affairs
We WantYOU
at the cookout
Report to the nearest lawn at oh-four-hundred hours. Bring a folding chair, a hearty appetite, and a flag you can wave without irony. Failure to enjoy yourself will be noted.
Land of the free,
home of the potluck
Once a year the porch lights flicker on, the grill achieves an unwise temperature, and the entire block agrees, without a vote, to stand on one lawn. It is the most democratic thing we do all summer, and the only one that involves this much potato salad.
We keep it the old-fashioned way: hand-cranked ice cream, a brass band of dubious training, sparklers for the children who can be trusted and several who cannot, and a fireworks display assembled by men who said "it'll be fine." Bring an appetite and a next of kin.
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Est. 1921
Fireworks Co.
The Only Safe Way to Lose a Hand™
Forty-eight star-spangled shells in the patriotic family pail. Lights itself, mostly. Aim away from Grandmother, the porch, and the family dog, in roughly that order.
*Fingers not guaranteed. Fireworks Co. assumes the customer has a reasonable number of spares. Sold where legal, which is fewer places every year. Do not relight a dud, a friend, or an argument. Patriotism sold separately.
Until liberty is served
July 4th, 2026
Gates open at four, or whenever the host finds the key. The parade rolls down Main Street at six, supper lands at dusk, and the sky is scheduled to detonate the instant it is dark enough to deny responsibility.
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Old Glory Sparklers
"Hand 'Em to the Children!"
Eighteen inches of glowing wire that burns at the temperature of the sun. Builds character, eyebrows optional. The thinking parent's babysitter.
Recommended for ages 2 and up. Burns continue after enthusiasm ends. Old Glory is not liable for singed bunting, brows, or memories.
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Mother Liberty's
Tinned Apple Pie
"Patriotism, Now Shelf-Stable"
A whole pie in a single dignified can. Tastes of home, freedom, and a faint metallic resolve. Keeps for the duration of any reasonable war.
Apple content determined by committee. Open away from the face. "Homemade" used here in the patriotic, not literal, sense.
Three traditions,
two of them survivable
The Grand Fireworks
At full dark the sky goes to color and the neighbors go to prayer. Rockets, chrysanthemums, and a finale loud enough to reset every car alarm on the block. Blankets out, heads back, eyebrows tucked.
The Backyard Feast
Charcoal smoke, cold lemonade, and a grill operated with more confidence than skill. Burgers, corn, a pie of contested origin, and hand-cranked ice cream worth the wait and the elbow you'll throw to get it.
The Main Street Parade
A brass band that knows one song, an antique fire truck that mostly runs, and every child on the block trailing streamers and ambition. Wave a flag, claim a curb, and pretend the float was the part you came for.
A Public Service Reminder
Loose sparklers
sink spirits
Keep both ends of the celebration in view at all times. A careless fuse undermines morale, eyebrows, and the upholstery. Celebrate vigilantly. The Republic is counting on your common sense, such as it is.
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A Word from Our Sponsor
Eagle Mutual Assurance
For the celebrant who handled the Fireworks Co. family pail himself.
Dignified coverage at neighborly rates. One low premium protects you against rockets, romance, undercooked frankfurters, and the upstairs window. Agents standing by, at a respectful distance.
Premiums rise sharply each July. Does not cover acts of God, acts of Uncle, or anything you were warned about in the fine print above. Ask about our group rate for the whole block.
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Tubbs & Sons
Brass & Bunting
"We Supply the Pomp"
Trombones, miles of red-white-and-blue, and one (1) reliably enormous drum. Rent a marching band by the block. Volume guaranteed; rhythm aspirational.
Band tunes only "The Stars and Stripes Forever," and lives up to the title. Refunds not offered for neighbors. Drum is final.
Put your name
in the book
Every proper celebration keeps a registry, and ours is no exception. Sign below and join the honored ranks of the expected.
The Guest Registry
- 01
- 02
- 03
- 04
- 05
Let freedom
ring
Bring a chair, a sweet tooth, and an emergency contact. We supply the flags, the frankfurters, and the faint smell of gunpowder. Freedom handles the rest. See you under the stars, or what's left of them.
Yours in liberty (and brisket), Sofia Lipkevych